Maybe.

So I tried to write about the current state of my mind. Couldn’t finish it. It felt like déjà vu. Throwback to my rants about my marketing job in 2012. I guess, history is repeating itself. Here we go again.

5 years later, just like an old TV re-run, I am faced with the same existential question of what do I do now? Do I stick it out or do I get up and go? It’s getting more and more difficult to decide on what to do. Mainly because I don’t have a plan. I am a 30-year-old plan-less woman. Is that sad? Maybe. But I’m more scared that I’m wasting my time.

I’ve talked to a lot of people about it trying to get some perspective. I have begun to sound like a broken record. Even I am annoyed with myself and all this negativity. My overthinking is at an all time high with all the options I’ve cooked up in my head and the biggest challenge is making a decision and standing by it. Because I’m a wuss.

Maybe the reason why I’ve been wanting to talk to anyone who would listen is because I want someone, anyone, to make the difficult decision for me. As I write this, it turns out, all of this is on me. Just like all the other decisions that I will make from here on out.

Maybe I already know the answer. Maybe I’m just too chicken to go for it. Maybe I’m still worried about how others would take it. Maybe I’m just tired. Maybe I should give it some time. Maybe I’m really okay. Maybe I’m afraid to make the wrong choice. Maybe I’m just overthinking it. Maybe all of this will blow over. Maybe I’m not thinking straight. Ah the endless maybes. At the end of it all, maybe… just maybe… I should just get over it and finally decide.

Blame It On The Aaaaaalcohol

I’m on sick leave today.

The verdict will be next week and I’ve been doing shitty articles since Monday. You know what’s funny. I’m seated beside the editors and I can see them stroke their faces, or touch their temples, and put their hands together as if praying out of frustration. Damn! I might have really written down some stupid stuff. Haha!

Here’s what happened. I was writing an article for plumbing. Again. When the editor called me over. There was a confusion about certain terms I used for a product data management company (yeah, i know, what the hell does that company do?!). When I was writing that one, I must admit I was a little hung over still from my night out with my high school friends and this guy:

 

It was a really fun day, I must admit, BUT i kinda paid for it the day after. At work. So anyway, I was writing the article and I couldn’t think of juicy things to put in. The tequila was running in my veins, I was sleepy as hell, and my mind is occupied with all the singing, bowling, eating, and drinking that we did the night before (it was really awesome, though :)).

Tuesday came and I’m still a little bit out of it. It took me two hours to come up with a legit article for mortgages and loans. I’m sort of sucking right now. The editors always say that my sentences are too long with a whole lot of ideas in them and that I don’t let the reader breath. –> just like this one. Haha!

I don’t resent them  though. If I’d been there a few years back, I maybe would feel really bad for the criticisms but right now I think, they’re just doing their jobs. It’s nothing personal. I can’t be good at everything. I guess you have to be bad at it first before it gets better.

I don’t know if it’s still the tequila talking but i just needed time off of the roofing, plumbing, car dealerships stuff. Plus, I was really feeling sick this morning. Pinky promise. I don’t expect you to understand or like this post. I just gotta say it. Or post it? If I don’t get to sign another contract next week, I’m okay with that. If I do get to sign one though, I guess I’ll have to suck it up for a good 6 months before flaking out. The small talks are painful but the hours can be fast. If there’s some things I learned this week/weekend it’s this:

1. I suck at bowling.

2. I hate mortgages and loans.

3. The elevator rides in my new office building suck.

4. Never EVER drink tequila on a Sunday night. Cause payback’s a bitch.

AND

5. A hang over is worth it if you did the shots with old friends. 🙂

PS. If you’re thinking about the point of all of this, stop. Just stop. Because it doesn’t have any. Mmkay. Thanks. Bye.

 

Things I Already Know But Probably Forgot

Sooo, how’s it going?

Me? I’ve been better. The past 2 weeks have been… different. Different good or different bad? I can’t say yet but I’ve definitely had a whole lot of time to think about things because, well, the people at the new workplace are not really the chatty type. Anyway, after my panic/anxiety attack last week (don’t ask), I realized these:

THINGS I ALREADY KNOW BUT PROBABLY FORGOT

1. The start is always the hardest. I’ve been stressing about my slow pace with the new work and I’ve been feeling so bad that I have no friends there. I want out after the first day. Swear. I was just so out of it that I really thought about quitting that soon. Haha. I am so lame. Anyway, I realized that we all go back to square one at some point. I blame this world for making everything instant. Instant coffee. Instant noodles. Instant photos. Instant… everything! Sometimes, I kinda forget that not everything is instant and starting over is always difficult.

2. It’s okay to make mistakes. You know what, my brother was going on and on about how my being an achiever in school has screwed me  up in the “real world”. And I think he’s right. And he’s not the type to be saying the right stuff. Haha! I am always so keen on doing things right. It’s like I have this need to be the best at everything. I’m not the best, that I’m sure of, but I don’t know. When I make mistakes, I beat myself up. I’m too hard on myself. Too critical. I forget that I’m human and humans make mistakes. A lot. I have to always remind myself that I’ll probably make more mistakes and it’s perfectly fine because making them doesn’t make me any less of a person.

3. Work is not supposed to be fun. I think because I had so much fun in my previous job that I had this idea in my head that work is fun but it’s actually not. Maybe because we didn’t do a lot of work there. Haha. But still, I was hoping for a workplace with a little semblance of fun. I was getting so frustrated and fortunately one of my good friends knocked some sense into my head and I realized that it’s work and it’s not supposed to be fun. Having fun with what you do for a living is just a bonus. And not everybody has that. Those who do are probably the exception. Me? I’m the rule. I guess, I’ll just have to suck it up and think about the moolah. For now. 🙂

4. Over thinking kills. I am the worst over thinker. Ever. Haha. But you probably know that already. I just can’t stop myself from thinking about everything. Urgh. I suck. I remember having a conversation with my mom. I was telling her that I read somewhere that intelligent people are more prone to depression because they think a lot. She agreed and told me that ignorance is bliss. I never really identified with that saying before because I’m the type of person who hates not knowing things. But for the first time last week, I wanted to be ignorant and just be blissful. Sometimes not knowing is better than knowing because once you know, you’ll over think it and ruin everything. I am a classic case of analysis paralysis. I always forget that it doesn’t help anybody, especially me so I just have to stop it. For reals.

5. Don’t take life too seriously, nobody has ever gotten out of it alive. I’ve been so caught up with knowing what the hell it is that I want to do and what career path do I take. What to do next. I always feel like I have to run this rat race to keep up with everything and everybody else that I pressure myself and forget to just stop and breathe. I’m not in this to win anything. I’m always worried about missing out on things that I end up actually missing out. I have to constantly remind myself that it is what it is so I just have to take it easy. Life is all about the journey and not the destination. If something shitty happens today, I just have to ask myself: after a few days, months, or even years, would this still matter? If the answer is no, then to hell with it. I’ll probably be kicking myself for it now but at some point in the future it’ll just be a memory that i’ll probably laugh off. So, take it easy.

 

The Aftermath

So I finally did it. After months and months of torturing myself with over thinking I finally found the guts to quit my job. By now, I know you’re all well aware how chicken I am so when I saw that yesterday marked my 2 years and 8 months on the job I told myself, it’s now or never.

Before I spoke with the manager, I took three trips to the restroom because by 10am I drank and refilled my tumbler at least two times. When I was about to talk to him, I can feel my heart beating in my ears and like my heart’s in my throat. I really thought I was gonna puke. Anyway, I told him everything i needed to say. I felt pretty good afterwards. Very… liberating? I felt relieved. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I actually thought I was gonna tear up and cry even but I was able to hold it back and say the things that I need to.

I guess the hard part is over but the harder part is just beginning. The aftermath. I’m actually close to my co-workers. I’m like their round-the-clock reality TV junkie, movie spoiler, potty mouth, sarcastic blabber mouth clown in the office. (I’d like to think my jokes are really funny and that they’re not just being polite) The one who starts quoting the boss after the meetings and eventually makes a running joke out of it. I didn’t want to prolong my agony so I know I had to tell them as soon as I told the manager. We’re now only five in the office plus our cool consultant so we’ve become very close. I’m very touched with their reactions. I can really feel the love but as much as I would want to stay, I can’t.

I once told them that it isn’t about them or even the office. This is about me now. I need to do this not to spite anybody but I need to do this because it’s the best for me. I don’t know. I guess, I just didn’t expect people to be this affected. I know that they’ll be sad but sometimes I can feel the weirdness and sense the sadness. It’s like I have cancer or something. The way they look at me. It’s bittersweet really. It’s good to know that I will be missed but it breaks my heart to see them sad. I want things to be normal and to be just like any other regular day when we’re all goofing around.

I guess, it’s just their way of coping with the news. I totally feel for them. I know that leaving is hard but it’s also hard, or maybe even harder, to those who will be left behind. The aftermath really sucks but this is the way it is.

Read at your own risk

I was suppose to write something profound but after failing to log in here and after having to reset my password three freaking times i couldn’t push myself to philosophize and psychologize the things i’m experiencing lately. I have lost the drive to write something positive. Maybe some other time. Some time soon. I promise. 🙂 Anywho, let me just rant for today and please (especially to my 7 subscribers) bear with me. It hasn’t been easy for the past weeks. I am in, how shall i call this, uhm… deep shit. Work is turning out to be a drag. Like yesterday, I sat through a 3-hour meeting that i slept through with eyes open (read: booooooooooring). Nodding at the right times and smiling politely whenever necessary. Often times, i’d be in a staring contest with my laptop. It’s hard not to think about what I’m gonna do with my life because right now i’m clueless. The only comfort I get is knowing that i’m not the only one running like a headless chicken in this zombie-like corporate life.

The thing is i’m stuck. I’m stuck in a boring day job (with a boss you sometimes want to strangle). My mom knows it. My friends are well aware about it. And the worst part is, i know it and i’m too scared to do something about it. That’s how messed up I am in the head. I dread change. Although i know it’s inevitable and even necessary. I’m finding a hard time starting something (see: find a better job or even figuring out what the hell is it i want to do with my life). I get comfortable and i start to compromise. It’s always a toss up between something new but risky and something familiar and safe.

Oh i’m not complaining, I have a good life. I am truly blessed. But, sometimes, I get this. My seasonal emotional thing. And i’d think to myself i want something. Something better. Then i’d think to myself, if I want that, I have got to be brave enough to take the risk or else a few years from now i’d be sitting in front of my laptop and would be bitching about the thing I should have and shouldn’t have done. Nobody wants that. Even you. Especially me.

 

 

Burn Out

Sunday nights. Urgh. The worst. When i was still in school, i dreaded Sunday nights. Sunday nights meant nothing good’s on TV, going to bed early, and school day when i wake up. I hated it. It feels like a hollowed out pit in your stomach. Makes me want to projectile vomit. That’s how screwed up my head was (or still is…sometimes).

Now, i’m writing to you on a Sunday night because i feel like crap. You know, over thinking stuff and wishing i was still 5 years old with nothing to worry about. Why am i being all crazy suzy here? Well, I’ve been feeling a little stressed out about things at work. If you’ve been reading some of my posts you’ll catch my drift. The situation is simple actually. The problem is me. I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to do anything. I sort of, kinda, want out. Yes, i’m sick. Sick in the head.

I guess, i’m just tired because last month was crazy busy. I don’t know. I want a change of environment. I want a vacation. I want something different. A breather. I want to clear my head and really think about what i want to do next year. A change of scene maybe? Back to school? No concrete plan yet. Hopefully, I make the right choices. URGH. I am so lost and confused somebody please give me a map!

 

Getting It Out Of My System

I’ve been psyching myself up for a good week now. I do that sometimes, well most of the time, pep talks…with myself. Like what you see in movies. The Bidas talking to themselves in front of the mirror telling themselves that they have to win the damn championship or whatever. I do that. On my way to work, i’d stare out the window of the shuttle and play my music and tell myself: “this IS the day. I’m awesome. I can do this!” Well not like that, more like: “Okay okay. Don’t panic. Kaya ko to. Isa isa lang. Hingang malalim” and that totally sounded like i’m very neurotic and i’m starting to babble and i don’t make sense and i just sound like a crazy person and i forget to put punctuation marks and i say “and” a lot and i forget to put spaces between my paragraphs.

I’m overwhelmed (there’s nothing to be overwhelmed about really, or is there?!…this is just me being my usual crazy whiny self) and I guess, I finally cracked and my energy for convincing myself that everything’s a-okay has run out. This is exactly the reason why I don’t fancy (fancy talaga?) being idle for a long time. Starting over and having to find the momentum…again. It sucks. I’m the lamest person…ever. Boy, I really need that long weekend. Sigh.

Anywho, there you have it. We’re entitled to at least one bad day, right?  I feel better. Y’all are awesome. I’m going back to whatever it is i’m doing. Have fun today, kids!

What’s new?

It’s been a very interesting couple of weeks in the office. Our boss left. Now, we are facing a new regime. I’m having mix emotions about it really. I sometimes feel that it’s exciting, sometimes i feel challenged, sometimes worried, a few times confused, and other times just simply stressed. It’s like we’re starting all over again. Having to go through the adjustment and all is daunting but we don’t really have a choice, do we?

Because of these series of events (if it’s fortunate or unfortunate, that i’ll have to wait and see), I started thinking about things. Right now, because we have a new boss, we’re all on our toes, i don’t know about them but i know i am. It’s like we have to make pakitang gilas (that sounded so coño. haha). We have to put our best foot forward and make a good impression.

Am i worried? a little bit yeah, i guess (if i don’t worry, that won’t be me…AT ALL. haha). I kinda feel like there will always be that little voice inside your head screaming how frightening change is. I don’t know about you, but i’m one of those people who love their comfort zones. I’m still in the process of learning to embrace the inevitable truth that the only constant thing in this kuh-razy world is change. So if you think that’s a crime, then sue me.

I don’t think that all of us (office people) are on the same boat YET but i know that we’ll get there. I shouldn’t worry, really. It’s not like i’m the one calling the shots. I’m just one of their office drones. Whatever they ask me to do, if i can then i’ll do it. I guess, i’ll just have to roll with the punches and see how everything works out. I’ll keep you posted! *wink*