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I Got My Eyes On You

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Earlier this year, I started reading Shonda Rhimes’ book “Year of Yes”. I haven’t finished it yet because, you know, my job always gets in the way of me doing the things I actually like which includes sitting around, watching TV, and reading a book. But anyway, its got quotes from Grey’s Anatomy and here’s one that really got me:

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If you have been following this blog, you might have noticed that I have a history of being a push over and a metaphorical punching bag for people. But. I have since tried my hardest to not be that person anymore. Thus, making myself scarce to people who, I think, have used me as a door mat, back up plan, fixer upper, pick me upper, or whatever it is that they needed to make themselves feel better.

Although I have improved in the “loving thy self first” department, I sometimes feel like old habits die hard and I subconsciously fall back into situations with people who tend to abuse and use my kindness.

They think they can just get away with doing crappy things to me. And I admit guilt. Maybe I let them do it to me. Before. Okay, maybe still. Sometimes. Subconsciously. Or maybe I’m just too friendly. Too trusting. Too… whatever.

But the thing is, unlike before that I’m clueless, now I actually know it. I got my eyes on you. Now I actually know what they’re doing but I choose to let it go. Not because I’m a push over. But because I know that “fighting” it is a losing battle. I will not stoop down to that level because I’m better. Not giving a flying f*ck is probably the best way to handle difficult people.

What these mean individuals do or say to me says a lot about them and not me. I almost felt bad for myself there but then I realized that they give me crap about myself but it doesn’t mean that I’m a crappy person. It means that THEY ARE. And that my friends, is just sad.

I feel like I’m too old for this kind of shitty things but I guess shitty people don’t get old. They exist still. Everywhere. But it’s okay, the universe has its way. A balance. It’s called Karma.

 

 

 

 

I’m F.I.N.E.

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How are you? A friend asked me today and I said, I’m fine.

I’m F.I.N.E.

Ever saw Italian Job? FINE stands for Freaked out. Insecure. Neurotic. Emotional.

So I’m definitely FINE.

Freaked out about my job. The pressure to produce amazing, out of the box, and creative things has risen to a higher level given the recent updates on the ratings game. The trouble is, my career (if you could even call it that) is a series of hits and misses. And today is definitely a miss. Can’t seem to think of a creative 30-seconder plug and I call myself a legit writer. I’ve been wracking my brains for something anything that can pass the pitch tomorrow. I’m freaked out, frustrated, and probably effed up too.

Insecure. Am i the only one feeling like a fish out of water sometimes. Do these people know exactly what to do? Am i the only one worried about how lame I’d look as I suck at pitching the senseless crap I conjured in the past 3 hours?

Neurotic. Thinking about what the 30 pairs of eyes in the ginormous conference room are thinking while they watch me spout my non-sensical mumbo jumbos?

Emotional. Feeling shitty about what I’m doing really. It’s days like these that I become the person I hate. I sabotage myself by feeding it all the negative thoughts I could think of.

But I’m fine. Really. Once I get over my crappy self I’ll be fine. Good. Better even. Just having a bad day I guess.

Everything’s gonna work itself out right? It has to.

The Year That Was 2013

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No more kids running around, constant shouting, and clanking in the kitchen. The house has returned to its quiet and peaceful self. The holiday season has passed and a new year has begun.

I haven’t got the time to reflect, rundown my 2013, or even think about my resolutions for 2014 in the past weeks (come to think of it, I haven’t been posting here since September 2013. Saying I’ve been pretty busy would have to be an understatement) because I’ve been really busy with work and I spent most of my free time with my extended family (the cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces, and nephews were all here for the festvities) and get-togethers with friends I haven’t seen in a long time.

Now that I finally found the time to reflect and now that I’ve got my computer all to myself, it is time to start my year right by posting something about the new year. (What blogger doesn’t write about new year, resolutions, and other shiz, right?)

Looking back on the past year, it has been a very interesting roller coaster of emotions and learning. Pretty cliche don’t you think? But it really is. I’ve experienced the highs, the lows, and the in-betweens. I’d be really happy and thankful one day and really pissed off the next day. Now that made me sound like a crazy person but that’s how the year went and as much as i’d like to sugar coat it… I can’t.

2013 has been a year of fulfilling moments, disappointments, triumphs, failures, and rude awakenings but most importantly it has been a year worth remembering. Here are the things I’ve learned in 2013:

1. Let things go. If you’ve been reading my blog you’ll probably know that i’m a bit sentimental (okay, a lot!) and it’s hard for me to let go of things and people but 2013 has shown me that sometimes we just have to let it go. Holding on to things and people (especially) does not make things better, it just holds you back.

2. Stop comparing yourself to others. I am guilty. Guilty of checking my Facebook news feed whenever possible (which is always! With the technology these days, people are always online rather than offline living in the real world and actually socializing. Anywho! Going back…) And whenever I see people getting married, buying a car/house, flying somewhere, having a baby, or whatever momentous event plastered all over Facebook I always ask myself why I’m not doing the same and I end up feeling bad about myself. It’s a shame. I’m ashamed to admit that I’m shallow like that. Hey! I’m human aren’t I? Those who are never envious of anybody or anything, please cast the first stone. But now that I’ve come to terms with it, I realized that it is NEVER OKAY to compare yourself to anybody. We can never measure our successes or failures based on other people’s lives. Success means different things to different people. We just gotta count our blessings and always be thankful.

3. People (and things) are not always what they seem. This one I learned the hard way. In a working environment that relies on other people and team work it is imperative that you’re able to count on those people around you but sometimes you just can’t. It’s a harsh fact but it’s true. Someone who’s friendly in your face might probably be the biggest jerk when your not around. But don’t think that it’s all bad, sometimes people and things can pleasantly surprise you. All you can do is hope for the best and don’t pass judgments.  

4. You can’t control how people treat you but you can only control how you react. I’m a control-freak. But you probably knew that. We are all different. Some people may nice, too nice to a fault sometimes. There are those who are indifferent while others are flat out assholes. And as much as you’d want to push these not-so-nice people off a few flight of stairs just to give them a bitter taste of their own medicine, it’s not worth it. Unfortunately, we can’t ask people to act a certain way that is pleasing to us but you can always control how you react. Be nice to good people and be nicer to the bad ones, that’ll piss them off more and it’ll make you feel better. Win-win situation.

5. Be firm! Don’t ever be a push-over. Stand by what you feel and know is right. The real world may sometimes feel like high school with all the bullies but it’s never an excuse to be a push-over. I have been tested on this all through out the year and the only way to beat bullies is to stand up to them. People-pleasing is not a good habit. Believe me, I know. If you are are ever in a position where you are pressured to do or be something you are not comfortable with, have that courage to say NO.

Wow. What a list I got there huh? 🙂 I guess, 2013 did make me a better and smarter person! Kidding aside, I am truly happy of how things went. I mean, I could proudly say that the turn out was great. I may not be earning a lot, my passport may not have a single stamp on it (yet!), I may not be a size 2, I’m as single as I’ll ever be, and I may still be a little lost about my future plans but I’ve definitely had a great year. This year there are no promises and no plans just adventures. Here’s to a year of worrying less and living more! Cheers to 2014!

Holy Week: Then & Now

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Today is Good Friday. I don’t know how people observe the Holy Week in other places but here in the Philippines, and I bet in other Catholic countries, it’s sort of a big deal. We have certain traditions, activities, and even urban legends when it comes to this topic.

The Lenten Season or the Holy Week is all about the Paschal Mystery of Jesus Christ. What is that you ask? (I am about to make my Christian Living teachers and Religion professors very proud with this post *slow clap*) In a nutshell, it’s basically the observance/commemoration of Jesus’ death, resurrection, and ascension. In more simpler terms, it’s about remembering how Jesus gave his life to save all our sinful butts. Or in even simpler terms, it’s a sort of reminder how awesome Jesus is.

It’s a 40 day thing that starts on Ash Wednesday. The “celebration” of this religious event has changed over the years. (Urgh. I feel old writing this but I guess, the world really is changing so fast that everything isn’t as it used to be) Ten years ago, when I was 14 years old, Holy Week meant a whole week of boredom stuck in the house with pretty much nothing to do. We were lead to believe a couple of things to observe/do during the Holy Week.

My Lola’s Top 5 Holy Week Rules and Regulations:

1. You can’t play outside. Because if you get bruised it won’t heal because the Lord is dead. I don’t know how the Lord’s death is connected to any wounds I might get but we followed. It took every tiny bit of patience and control my cousins and I had to fight of the urge to play outside. It is impossible to STOP kids from playing outside. It’s just not in the genetic make up of kids in my time to not play outside.

So one Holy Wednesday, more than 10 years ago, my cousins and I thought, screw these crazy Holy Week superstitions we are gonna go out and play! We played TUMBANG PRESO, a traditional Pinoy game. The goal of the game is to knock off an empty tin can guarded by an IT. Players must use their slippers or flip flops to knock off the can from it’s base. So I was IT, then one of my cousins threw a slipper making the can fly off hitting my knees. It didn’t really hurt but then I saw… red! Apparently, the open side of the tin can hit my knee cutting my skin. Boy was I panicked! I really thought I was going to die then again, after a few days, I realized that it was just something old people tell children to stop them from making noise during the Holy Week.

2. You can’t be noisy. I guess, the best explanation I got for this one was that, we can’t really be all loud and happy during the week because, well, we’re supposed to be reflecting on Jesus’ death. One thing’s clear, my family is very loud so I think my Lola just wanted a week of quiet from her grandchildren. It’s one week off from our noise.

3. You should take a bath before 3PM on Good Friday. Don’t. Ask. Me. Why. Now, it’s something my cousins and I joke about but when we were younger, our Lola and our parents would make us take our baths early in the morning just to make the “3PM cut off”. It wasn’t really explained why we had to do that but we followed.

4. You can’t eat meat. During the Lenten Season people are asked to fast and abstain from things they love as a form of sacrifice. Not eating meat is one of those little sacrifices that we can do. I was of course exempted when I was younger, while they eat ampalaya (bitter gourd) I’d chow down hotdog, pork chop, or longganisa but when I got older I also didn’t eat meat. I remember in 2011, one of my sacrifices for Lent was to give up Social Media. That meant no Facebook for 40 days. It was hard in the beginning because everybody I know was on it and being online was the thing back then. After that, I realized it’s way better to spend more time offline with real friends rather than online with virtual friends.

5. You can’t go out or travel because everybody’s prone to accidents. I used to hate Holy Week. I was stuck inside the house, no TV (we didn’t have cable then), no nothing! I was bored out of my mind. Unlike other families who use the time for vacationing to different parts of the country, we stayed home, went to church, and didn’t eat meat. The only consolation I get was when my cousins would come over and we’d spend the day playing cards or board games (we weren’t allowed to play outside, remember?) trying our hardest to keep our laughs and voices down so we won’t get in trouble with the Holy Week police (our Lola :D).

Of course, a lot has changed now. Our peaceful village streets aren’t as quiet during the Holy Week with our noisy neighbor’s motorcycle repair shop up and running even on Good Friday. There are lots of shows on TV so it’s not as boring as it used to be. Holy Week these days meant a full week away from work (Hell YEAH!) and a weeks worth of DVD marathons and catch up on your favorite TV series. People aren’t stuck at home, they’re at the beach basking under the sun and posting Facebook photos of their tan lines or the view from their hotel over looking the shore. For those who stay in the city, they do the usual activities like the Visita Iglesia with the blow by blow update on their locations posted on their Twitter feeds.

I kinda miss the more peaceful and quiet Holy Week back when I was younger. It was definitely boring then, I must admit, but these days, I don’t know, I just feel like we might be missing the point of the whole season. With all the different activities we do. I’m not here to tell you how to spend the Holy Week but as I am writing this, I am reminded of what this week is about. It’s about reflecting on Jesus’ life and ours too. We could do whatever we want or go wherever we please during this season but I hope we could all spare a little time and just reflect. We can all reflect in the comforts of our home or on an island someplace far from the city. Wherever we are or whatever it is that we do, it’s a good time to put things into perspective. Anyway it’s not about living a holy week but living a holy life.

Sometimes It’s The Little Things…

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I feel good today.

Rare. These days, at least.

It’s like I have this renewed view of my life’s present state. I mean, I’ve been kinda, sorta, like a Debbie Downer for a couple of weeks now and I just feel great that I find myself singing in the shower again. I’ve been so caught up with the worrying (surprise! surprise!) about things and i’m just almost two weeks into the year. How whack is that?! I guess my mind got tired of all the worries and the issues that one day I woke up and said, eff it! I choose to feel good today! It’s like I notice little things these past few days. Sometimes, it’s the little, and sometimes shallow, things that just cheered me up.

Little Thing #1

I woke up early the other day to check my email for the revisions I’ve been stressing over night. Lo and behold, no email. Zero. Nada. I was starting to get a little pissed about it really. I hate waiting on people. Anyway, to distract myself from totally sabotaging my day at 9AM, I flipped through the cable channels and heard this song:

It sounded familiar so I googled it and found the video online. I like the song. It’s very positive. I know the band from watching One Tree Hill back in college so I downloaded it and it’s stuck in my head. Major LSS. It’s like my theme song at the moment (i have this thing about having a theme song. Don’t ask. I got it from watching Ally McBeal. Look it up. :)) and having it play in my head calms me.

Little Thing #2

On my way to work the other day, around 11:25AM, I got stuck in traffic. I was getting panicky because I have to be in the office by 12NN and have I told you that I live in the South and my work’s way up North? Yeah. So I’m now checking my watch every minute. The traffic was getting to my nerves when I looked out and saw a mother with 2 kids on both her hands crossing the street. I was annoyed with the mother because one of her kids was on the danger side of the street but then my annoyance was replaced by “aaaaww, how cute!!” when I saw the little girl, stretch her hand out and said to the coming cars: “ops, teka lang, teka lang” as they cross the vehicle-packed street. I was smiling to myself as I rushed to get on the train to Quezon City and I didn’t even mind the rude lady shoving me to get inside the station.

Little Thing #3

Suits Season 3 Premieres on January 17. Need I say more? 🙂

Little Thing #4

These past few days I’ve been developing a cellphone ringing anxiety. Whether calls or texts. I dread receiving messages asking suggestions for work stuff that should have been discussed during a more lengthy, and i mean loooong, meeting the other day. I feel like I get a mini-heart attack when I read a text at 9AM telling me that i’m needed to be at work in an hour. Today, is different. My phone rang and it read: “Meeting CANCELLED today”. OH JOY! Best.Text Message.EVER.

Little Thing #5

While I enjoy myself because of my freedom today (read little thing #4), I was multi-tasking reading and watching TV (it’s a talent hahaha!), I saw that Gossip Girl was about to go on the telly (on the telly, talaga?! haha) and what luck I have today… it’s the series FINALE! I wasn’t able to watch the latest season but I’m a fan of ChAir (Chuck+Blair). I don’t regularly watch the later seasons because it got too complicated and irritating to watch (who’s Serena with now?? Or Blair and Humphrey? Really?! Nate’s with Elizabeth Hurley?! What is up with that?!) Anyway, imagine my happiness, when I get to see the last episode that sums up everything and reveals the one thing that took 6 seasons to discover, who the ef is Gossip Girl? SPOILER ALERT!!! I’m happy because Chuck and Blair got married. FINALLY! And it turns out, Dan Humphrey was Gossip Girl. I did not see that coming but this one I did –> He and Serena got hitched too.

Today is a good day. Just had to write this down. A few months from now, when I feel like quitting and giving up on whatever it is i’ll be doing then (may it be writing for TV for real or bumming around because it didn’t work out), I can read this and be reminded that sometimes I just have to breathe. Stop worrying and notice the little things that may be enough to make me feel better. 🙂

Bring It On, 2013!

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Nine days into 2013 and how’s everything going?

Let’s see…

For starters, let’s flashback a little bit.

2012 was, i think, good to me, in all sorts of weird helpful way. I got to cross out some of the goals I had like quitting my 3-year stint in my marketing job and finally doing a writing gig for an SEO company. Only to find myself quitting after a month and a half of daily struggle in a literally non-speaking world, writing stuff about things I don’t care – even a little bit – about. Then transferring to much bigger opportunities (i’m now working as a trainee writer in a big network which I will now refer to as The Office).

The plan to go to grad school will be on hold for, a little bit, but I might still go… one day. I was able to go on a trip to Subic and did an adventure with my good old friends, which is always fun.

Overall, it was a good year. Looking back, I always thought of myself as a person who’s afraid of taking risks and making mistakes. I wasn’t actually living for some time (i admit it. i suck.) and was just complaining and complaining about my life being a routine for 3 straight years. Then, I suddenly had the guts to quit my job and take the so called plunge and left the comfort zone and all those other cliches that apply (insert slow clapping audience member here).

I don’t know what will happen this year. Who does, right?! I’ll find out if the risk was worth taking. As of today, things are slightly out of my control. Which, in a way, freaks the hell out of me. I mean, it is still adjustment period at The Office. The working environment is different. As in waaaay different(I guess I got some of the things I wanted in my 2012 Goals List after all). It’s like a weird high school deja vu. I can’t really say if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. When I decide though, I’m sure you’ll read about it. Here. With a rather emotional and angsty spin. I’m sure.

This 2013, I’m strapping on my seat belt and I’ll ready my barf bag because I feel like it’s gonna be one helluva of a ride.

Random Thought

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Everything happens for a reason.

It does, doesn’t it?

It’s funny how you already know things but believe it even more when it actually happens to you.

Hundreds of time I have been told or I have read somewhere that many things happen because of a reason. They say it’s a part of something bigger. A master plan that will be revealed. Not today, but some time in the future.

Whether its experiences with face-palm inducing thesis group mates, head-scratch worthy attitudes of bosses, or jobs you just couldn’t take. It’s all bound to help you become a better version of yourself.

The funny thing is, it wouldn’t make sense while it’s happening. You’ll feel cheated or even think that the universe is power tripping on you. But, that is not the case. It’ll all make sense. I swear.

Anywho, I’m just babbling. I’ll post something better soon. Better days are coming… I think.

Ciao for now. 🙂

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