In The Mourning


I’m not really a morning person. These days, I find it more difficult than usual. It has been nine days since my father passed and everyday when I wake up I am reminded of my loss. A gaping hole in my chest that I only knew of from reading novels and watching movies is now very real to me. I knew losing someone was hard, I didn’t know it would be this hard. As i’ve told many of my friends who sympathized during the wake, losing a parent was like losing a limb. I can feel I am incomplete. I am fatherless.

At 62, he has lost his battle with Parkinsonism. Sparing you from all the hospital horrors we’ve been through for the past 4 months, i’d like to share how he was in real life.

papa 1

He was a pain in the ass – short tempered, impatient, strict, thinks he’s right most of the time, and a stickler for rules. I wouldn’t blame him really, he did have a difficult childhood. Growing up, he got beaten up, spent his early teenage years away from his family, and in order to go to school he had to work at a sugarcane farm. He would tell me and my brother this story when we whine about “our difficult life”. Eventually, he entered the military, got married, had two kids.

He was a hands-on dad. He’d be the one to send me to school on his bike and during my bad clingy pre-school days he would bring a stick and threaten me with a spanking if I don’t get inside the classroom. Yes, I was that kid. I outgrew that thankfully and became this school-loving achiever. I would beam with pride when my father would attend school functions in his blue Philippine Air Force uniform.


When the angsty teenage years happened, I wanted to trade in my curfew-loving father for a way cooler dad who would let me attend parties and go out till late on school nights. But he was not like that. He knew the importance of teaching responsibility and the value of hard work. There was no sleeping in on weekends and chores were a must. I thought I could cry my way out of it but the water works do not apply. At all.

My father thought that we should learn things the way he did. The hard way. When i was younger, I hated him for it but now looking back sometimes the best lessons we learn are the lessons we learn the hard way.

papa 2

In the last 10 years, he was a retiree who enjoyed drinking his morning coffee or tea, answered crossword puzzles, did some gardening, baby sat the dogs, and even drove me around if I needed it. The scary soldier we all knew became this cool lolo who was more chill and easy to talk to. He constantly took care of my meals (like he always does coz my mom’s cooking is very limited to spaghetti & eggs) and other handy man things around the house.

We were never really the affectionate type but he had his ways of showing his love. Whatever he lacked in words he made up for in action. When he was around, there were no busted lightbulbs, leaking sinks, clogged toilets, untrimmed plants, hot meals were at the table, and everything he could do for us… he did. That was the kind of man and father he was.

He was a pain in the ass, MY ass. He was not a perfect person or a perfect father but he was mine. He was my father. I am who I am because of him and my mom. Now that he’s gone, I’m sad, heartbroken even, that he will not be around to see me walk down the isle or meet his grand kids. But I am happy that he is in a much better place now.

I don’t know how to move on from this really. Or if I ever will. But one thing is for sure, I am happy that he was my dad. I hope he is proud of me as I am of him. He has served the country, he was a family man, and he lived a full life. I’d like to think that I was able to show him and make him feel my love especially during the latter days of his life.

He will forever be in my heart and his memory will live on. But for now, as I try to continue my life without him, I will feel the loss of my father in the mourning.


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Feb-ulous Challenge Day 24

I love… teen flicks! 🙂


1 Post A Day Challenge – ENTRY #23

In a recent job interview, I talked about how I wanted to write for movies in the future. It actually amazes me how much I learn about myself after these interviews. Sometimes, I even shock myself. Anyway, I told the interviewer that I wanted to do coming-of-age films. I love teen flicks because they are generally feel good movies especially if they’re mainstream. Some are really cliche but it never fails to entertain and sometimes even inspire.

Here are my 5 Favorite Coming-Of-Age/Teen Flicks:

1. The Breakfast Club

I saw this movie on cable back in high school. I think this movie was the mother of all teen flicks, at least the ones made after I was born. It’s about five students who got into detention. These five represent the high school stereotypes: The Jock (Emilio Estevez), The Brain/Geek (Anthony Michael Hall)…

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Pre-Hell Week Post

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I’m in for a long week. Seven schools in a week. We’re in over our heads ready for this (keeping fingers crossed). One whole week of waking up at 4am and going home by 8PM (if lucky) or 9PM. I have come to expect the stress, the pressure, the tiring long days and all those other brouhaha that come along with what I do.

Pre-Hell Week To Do List:

1. Download a LOT of new songs (When chaos happens, i just need to be confined in my own peaceful world by my head phones and i’ll be able to survive the day haha!)

2. Open my face book account (I may not be able to see it till next week)

3. Watch a lot of TV and lie around the house for the duration of the weekend (I did not go out once this weekend, i’ll be all over the place this week, believe it.). I will be a boarder starting Monday til Saturday.

4. Go to church and pray for the success of this week.

5. Post a blog. 🙂

Hopefully, I’ve prepared enough last week for the momentous events of this week. May the force be with me.

Happy na, Birthday pa!


Karapat dapat lang na mag-saya, di lang dahil nanalo nanaman si Pacquiao for the nth time, kung di dahil… birthday ko ngayon!:) Wala pa kong decent na tulog simula Friday. Maaga din ako gumising ng Saturday morning to prep for the party (naks party.) and when i say prep i mean, clean up my room. Buti na lang andito tita ko para samahan akong sagupain ang mga basura sa kwarto ko. After all the cleaning up and the errands (putek kame nag akyat ni tita sa roof top ng 2 case ng beer tapos di naman inubos ng mga bisita. *sigh*) the party started at around 9pm.

Kakatuwa lang ang aga dumating ni Cha kasama ang mapagpanggap kong kaibigan na si Pjong (sabi di daw pupunta, kailangan daw mag rest sabi ng doctor. asus nagpapapilit lang pala. haha.). Sumunod na dumating si Macky (Macky on the phone giving directions: Hello? Si macky to yung boyfriend ni cha. hehe. inside joke. pasensya. :D). Akalain mong dumating din si Jimboy? Nakakatuwa lang na this year maaga at on time dumating ang mga bisita. After them dumating sila Mark at Marlon tapos si Lurens at Si Maxin. (Can you see the trend?) Tinanong ako ngayon ng tita ko: Ces, wala ka bang kaibigang babae? Haha! Natawa ko dahil 3 lang ang bisita kong babae kagabi si, Cha, Faith at Kamille lang. Saka ko lang narealize yun nung sinabi ng tita ko. Haha. Oh well, di kasi nakarating yung iba. May mga prior committments at iba pa. Pero masaya pa rin ako dahil may mga umeffort pumunta para lang makibahagi sa celebration. 🙂

A year older and a year wiser (i hope). I thank God for my family and my friends. I am so blessed and I couldn’t ask for a better gift than a celebration with the people closest to my heart. Cheers!

Répondez S’il Vous Plaît a.k.a. RSVP

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My second favorite holiday is just around the corner. After debating with myself and my mom for a good couple of weeks, I’ve (we’ve) decided to do the celebration and the whole shebang.

I was thinking back and forth if I really wanted to have a party (sounds so fancy, but it’s not really. :)). My plan at first was to just spend it with a few close friends but then that was before I knew that people actually knew and still remembered when my birthday was. I felt the need to throw a small party (sponsored by the people who love me…thanks mom and dad. hehe). So, out the invites went and the waiting for confirmation begins.

It’s funny actually, sending invitations. If you don’t give ’em out, people would ask if they’re invited or not but once you send them out the confirmations never come as easy as sending the invites out. You face a lot of bargaining and countless question and answer portions before you get a decent yes or no. Some guests would want to know the usual details (time,place, etc.), others would want to know who else is gonna come (Does that mean that if the persons you’d like to see during the party is not invited or is not coming you’ll not attend too? I don’t get it…or i actually kinda do, but the thing is, i feel like asking the person who invited you for the guest list would be a little bit off. I don’t know, i guess it’s my thing.). Some would want to know if they can bring along someone else. Others would want to book for a sleep over. Things like that. So as of today, the guest list is still a little bit blurry. Kinda makes me wonder if doing the whole shebang is worth it. Then again, i’ll have to agree that having all your family and friends over during this special day gives you that warm fuzzy feeling inside. 🙂

To end this on a positive note…here’s my wish list (haha):

1. Ipod touch (background music: just a dream – nelly)

2. New mobile phone (have you seen my phone lately?)

3. Flojos slippers (have you seen my flojos lately too?)

You can send the gifts to my house on, before or after my birthday (ilusyunada…haha!.) Thanks in advance! 🙂

Esep esep

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After the very much needed long weekend, i feel recharged! Pwede na ulit sumabak sa isa nanamang malupit na linggo sa trabaho. Tatlong araw akong tumengga at pumetiks. Kahit na duduguin ako sa basurang cable service namen eh patatawarin na din. Gusto ko sanang i-bonding yung mga kaibigan ko kaso di mag-tugma ang mga schedule may taping dun may shooting dito. ETCHOS LANG! 🙂 The medical industry took my friends away from me. (bitter? ahaha. i understand. PRAMIS. Scout’s honor!) I stayed home and did a lot of ranting and thinking.

For a few weeks now, i think, i’ve been pretty much pissed at how things are going (as if things are going anywhere) in my life. I’m always thinking about how i can skip work (but i never got around to actually skipping work because my conscience eats me up even before i do it. i’m a weirdo.) or how my social life is flat lining. Kulang na lang ilagay kong status sa facebook eh “in a relationship with her JOB”. What added fuel to nearly burnt down thing is the chit chat among people i know. They’d go “musta na” i’d say “eto ganun pa din” and “Blah blah blah”. That’s when i realized that i was living a steady life, TOO steady, in fact. I’m not going out, I don’t have anything else to do other than work my ass off from Monday to Friday and sit around the house on weekends watch my DVDs for the nth time and do the same things over and over and over again. I don’t even have a freakin’ hobby (kahit cross stitch hinde!).

I’m twenty-one years old. I’m young i should be out there discovering things! I’m gonna stop whining (i’ll try but i won’t promise. hehe) and start living my life to the fullest. I’m only young once aren’t i? I’ve decided to wake up from this phunk take a hold of myself and my life. This is me putting a stop to my “quarter life crisis” kuno. Kung hindi ngayon kailan pa.