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Train Monologues

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Int. MRT. Day.

Before I turn 30 this year, I decided to make a change. I want to declutter my life. Rid myself of negative things and people. Limit my stress to work. Live a zen life. I owe it to myself. I’m done fixing people, controlling situations. (I know, I’ve said this before so please stop rolling your eyes.)

Love thyself. Cliche. Overused. But have you really done it? Love your self? Put your self first?

Do you still hope and pray for someone to come along and fix you? Fill the emptiness you feel once in a while? I still sometimes do. And like me, you should stop too.

Why is it so bad to be happy with your self? Why do people think it’s pathetic? Single shaming, I call it. I just realized that it’s not something to be sad about. I’m not saying that I don’t need romantic love in my life. I’m just saying that it is not the end all and be all. SO PLEASE CALM YOUR TITTIES. I’m not saying I don’t need my friends. I’m just saying that I need friends who are real. Friends who’ll understand. Friends who’ll reciprocate the friendship. Because I don’t expect unconditional love from people other than my mother. And that’s the reality. Stop romanticizing relationships. Whether romantic or platonic, we all need to be reciprocated. Only hypocrites would say that it’s ok cause when you love you just give. If that’s the case, one day you’ll wake up and realize that you have nothing else to give and you are left with nothing.

Piece your self back together. Love your family. Choose your friends. Quality over quantity. Do what makes you happy. Who cares what they think. Live for your self.

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I Got My Eyes On You

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Earlier this year, I started reading Shonda Rhimes’ book “Year of Yes”. I haven’t finished it yet because, you know, my job always gets in the way of me doing the things I actually like which includes sitting around, watching TV, and reading a book. But anyway, its got quotes from Grey’s Anatomy and here’s one that really got me:

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If you have been following this blog, you might have noticed that I have a history of being a push over and a metaphorical punching bag for people. But. I have since tried my hardest to not be that person anymore. Thus, making myself scarce to people who, I think, have used me as a door mat, back up plan, fixer upper, pick me upper, or whatever it is that they needed to make themselves feel better.

Although I have improved in the “loving thy self first” department, I sometimes feel like old habits die hard and I subconsciously fall back into situations with people who tend to abuse and use my kindness.

They think they can just get away with doing crappy things to me. And I admit guilt. Maybe I let them do it to me. Before. Okay, maybe still. Sometimes. Subconsciously. Or maybe I’m just too friendly. Too trusting. Too… whatever.

But the thing is, unlike before that I’m clueless, now I actually know it. I got my eyes on you. Now I actually know what they’re doing but I choose to let it go. Not because I’m a push over. But because I know that “fighting” it is a losing battle. I will not stoop down to that level because I’m better. Not giving a flying f*ck is probably the best way to handle difficult people.

What these mean individuals do or say to me says a lot about them and not me. I almost felt bad for myself there but then I realized that they give me crap about myself but it doesn’t mean that I’m a crappy person. It means that THEY ARE. And that my friends, is just sad.

I feel like I’m too old for this kind of shitty things but I guess shitty people don’t get old. They exist still. Everywhere. But it’s okay, the universe has its way. A balance. It’s called Karma.

 

 

 

 

The Rants of a Wallflower

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“We accept the love we think we deserve.” – The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I read this novel maybe 2 or 3 years ago before the movie adaptation was released. The book captured my attention because believe it or not I’ve always thought of myself as a wallflower. You know, someone who is always on the sidelines watching people do what they do or live their lives. In a way I was like Charlie because I wasn’t the “participating” type. I remember having this feeling of living the lives of my friends. It was like I was living vicariously through them.

Anyway, I have always liked the book and loved the movie version. As a matter of fact, I even cried watching the movie. I don’t know if it’s just Logan Lerman’s portrayal of Charlie but I don’t know it struck a chord. I’ve known the famous quote ever since I read the book but it’s only now that I feel like I actually know what it means.

Maybe it’s the recent sleepless nights I have been experiencing that has pushed me to introspection so please let me humor you for a little bit.

I’ve been feeling crappy about certain aspects of my personal life (surprise! surprise!). It’s the typical 20-something’s battle with non-existent relationships, friendships slowly drifting apart, uncontrollable family situations, and career related dilemmas. You know, the “usual”. So after the recent developments in my introspection, I have come to a realization that my life has been spent sticking around for people, things, and situations that aren’t exactly favorable to me. You might think I’m too old to be thinking about all these crap but then I’m a late bloomer so please bear with me.

I have been accepting the love I think I deserve that is why I’ve been content on being a (figurative) punching bag, sounding board, second choice, fall back person, back up plan, problem-fixer, pick-me-upper, just an all around kind of person for anybody who happens to need it.

Then one day, I realized that I just had to stop thinking about how to make other people feel comfortable or happy. I had to think about how to make myself comfortable and happy. I had to stop putting myself in situations that will bite my ass in the end just because I have this urge to be the diplomatic one or to be the bigger person. You know being selfish sometimes is not a bad thing. I’ve been thinking about other people for way too long – how are they doing? do they feel ok? are they happy? It’s time to ask myself those exact same questions. It’s now time to follow that advice I’ve been giving out to people: love your self.

We accept the love we think we deserve and I realized… I deserve better.

 

 

I’m F.I.N.E.

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How are you? A friend asked me today and I said, I’m fine.

I’m F.I.N.E.

Ever saw Italian Job? FINE stands for Freaked out. Insecure. Neurotic. Emotional.

So I’m definitely FINE.

Freaked out about my job. The pressure to produce amazing, out of the box, and creative things has risen to a higher level given the recent updates on the ratings game. The trouble is, my career (if you could even call it that) is a series of hits and misses. And today is definitely a miss. Can’t seem to think of a creative 30-seconder plug and I call myself a legit writer. I’ve been wracking my brains for something anything that can pass the pitch tomorrow. I’m freaked out, frustrated, and probably effed up too.

Insecure. Am i the only one feeling like a fish out of water sometimes. Do these people know exactly what to do? Am i the only one worried about how lame I’d look as I suck at pitching the senseless crap I conjured in the past 3 hours?

Neurotic. Thinking about what the 30 pairs of eyes in the ginormous conference room are thinking while they watch me spout my non-sensical mumbo jumbos?

Emotional. Feeling shitty about what I’m doing really. It’s days like these that I become the person I hate. I sabotage myself by feeding it all the negative thoughts I could think of.

But I’m fine. Really. Once I get over my crappy self I’ll be fine. Good. Better even. Just having a bad day I guess.

Everything’s gonna work itself out right? It has to.

A 20-something’s Career FAQ #8: How do i do that?

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I woke up disoriented yesterday.

My alarm was set very early. As my clock struck 6:30 am, I was awaken by Maroon 5’s Beautiful Goodbye and nearly jumped off my bed thinking it was Sunday. Sunday meant I had to work for the live show. My first thought was: “Fuck! Did I email the script?!” then I realized it was Tuesday… it was freaking Tuesday.

Guess I haven’t really recovered from the tiring week I had last week.

There are so many things to do and I often feel that 24 hours a day is not enough. I’m really in the industry, aren’t I? Just half a year into it and I already have the taste of what people I know who work in the industry often tell me… it’s draining.

It is fun. No doubt. But the exhaustion will eventually get to you. SIGH. And as the stress of it all takes a toll on me, physically and mentally, I get pissed off easily. Irritated with people even.

After an hour or so of venting out, I thought to myself, am I becoming one of those people. Those people being cold-hearted, ego centric, exaggerated career driven individuals who don’t care for anybody else. People whose lives revolve around their jobs. The typical industry people our professors warned us about. I don’t want to be one of those people.

I’m afraid, that i’ll wake up one morning and I have become the person I hate. Scary thought, huh?

Maybe I need to think of a way to manage all this. Being new and all. I have to immerse myself to be the best writer I can be without losing sight of what is really important. At the end of the day, it is only a job, right? How do you do great at what you do by getting really into it but not losing yourself while you’re at it.

How do i do that?

 

H20 is MIA

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Feb-ulous Challenge Day 15

I love… water.

Yeah. I do. Just like every single person here in the planet. You know why I have this sudden urge to write about why I love water? Well, our water supply’s been cutoff since last Tuesday.

It sucks. There was a mix up with the water services company and now we are paying the freakin’ price.

Two Reasons Why Getting The Water Supply Cutoff Sucks

1 – I’m forced to workout. Our bathroom is located at the 2nd floor of my house and the water supply is outside the house. Every single morning, I need to carry a heavy bucket of water up two flights of stairs. A bucket of water is not as fun as a bucket of KFC chicken. IT.IS.NOT.FUN…AT ALL.

2 -I have to make do with one bucket of water. I’m not vain or anything but there are necessary shower procedures I have to do say, keep my hair from being frizzy all day. Fact. Girls, especially girls with hair like mine, need condition their hair after shampooing and a bucket ain’t enough to rinse all of it. Not only is my hair frizzy, it’s all tangled up for days now. Urgh.

SIGH. Sorry bout that, didn’t mean to rant but I guess I just want to have clean water running in our pipes. I just want to have a legit shower. I mean, I’d give my noisy neighbor’s right hand for our water supply to come back soon.

You really don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. I miss you, clean water. Come back soon.

The Tale of the Eternal 3rd Wheel

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Being single is okay. I mean, given the fact that I don’t have anything to compare it to. I guess the worst part of being one is when you are constantly a 3rd wheel and people UNINTENTIONALLY (i know, they mean well, it’s just that sometimes it all comes out wrong, anywho!) rub it in your face.

EXHIBIT A:

I got a call tonight from a friend asking me to come along a trip out of town.

Get this. I will be joining 3 of my guy friends and they’ll be bringing along their girlfriends.

Seriously?! I’m through being a 3rd wheel AND a 5th wheel so it’s now time for me to be the… 7th wheel?! REALLY?!

I appreciate the thought of asking to come with them but come on now. Really? Seriously? What am i supposed to do there with them, keep score or something?

I have to say that one of the worst feelings in the world next to waiting in line somewhere or being shoved in the train station during rush hour is being a 3rd wheel. I mean, 2 is a company but 3 (or even 7! for that matter.) is DEFINITELY a crowd. Can you say: A-W-K-W-A-R-D!

I don’t know, maybe, they forget. Or maybe they just really want me there. Who the hell knows.

Funny how it’s not funny at all. 🙂

Anywho. Just a thought. I’m dozing off now. I’m out. Peace!

 

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