“We accept the love we think we deserve.” – The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I read this novel maybe 2 or 3 years ago before the movie adaptation was released. The book captured my attention because believe it or not I’ve always thought of myself as a wallflower. You know, someone who is always on the sidelines watching people do what they do or live their lives. In a way I was like Charlie because I wasn’t the “participating” type. I remember having this feeling of living the lives of my friends. It was like I was living vicariously through them.

Anyway, I have always liked the book and loved the movie version. As a matter of fact, I even cried watching the movie. I don’t know if it’s just Logan Lerman’s portrayal of Charlie but I don’t know it struck a chord. I’ve known the famous quote ever since I read the book but it’s only now that I feel like I actually know what it means.

Maybe it’s the recent sleepless nights I have been experiencing that has pushed me to introspection so please let me humor you for a little bit.

I’ve been feeling crappy about certain aspects of my personal life (surprise! surprise!). It’s the typical 20-something’s battle with non-existent relationships, friendships slowly drifting apart, uncontrollable family situations, and career related dilemmas. You know, the “usual”. So after the recent developments in my introspection, I have come to a realization that my life has been spent sticking around for people, things, and situations that aren’t exactly favorable to me. You might think I’m too old to be thinking about all these crap but then I’m a late bloomer so please bear with me.

I have been accepting the love I think I deserve that is why I’ve been content on being a (figurative) punching bag, sounding board, second choice, fall back person, back up plan, problem-fixer, pick-me-upper, just an all around kind of person for anybody who happens to need it.

Then one day, I realized that I just had to stop thinking about how to make other people feel comfortable or happy. I had to think about how to make myself comfortable and happy. I had to stop putting myself in situations that will bite my ass in the end just because I have this urge to be the diplomatic one or to be the bigger person. You know being selfish sometimes is not a bad thing. I’ve been thinking about other people for way too long – how are they doing? do they feel ok? are they happy? It’s time to ask myself those exact same questions. It’s now time to follow that advice I’ve been giving out to people: love your self.

We accept the love we think we deserve and I realized… I deserve better.

 

 

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