First off, i’d like to say sorry to my 6 followers (i now have six!!! YAY!) – none of which is my mom – because i failed to post last week. I was sick and was offline for the whole weekend. I felt like i needed to be with my thoughts. NAKS. Seriously though, I felt like i needed some time to mope and i don’t think it’s best to be online because:

EMO + Social Networks = Drunk Texting/Calling = Face Palm Moment

I don’t want to be posting all sorts of things for posterity’s sake. So i needed to do some soul searching (read: bitching about it) in the comforts of my room and be calm before i post anything. I’ve been having a really bad few days last week. It’s awfully quiet in the office now. This is sounding too dramatic but it’s just that it’s hard to suddenly loose people if you’re used to them. It’s kinda like breaking up with someone (who says i don’t know how it feels like?! haha). The numbers are getting smaller. I was used to having to walk sideways in the office because we were so crowded but now we can egg roll the whole day and it wouldn’t matter.Β It’s a terrible feeling missing people. I have issues with being left behind. I guess. Who doesn’t? I’ll get over this. I just need some more time and some distractions, so i’m thinking about bringing back Crazy Wednesdays. We’ll see if i’m up for it in the coming days.

Over the weekend, because I was still in a foul mood, I just watched movies all day (Tower Heist was funny. Will post a review of some sort some time soon) and I got a call from a friend whom we shall call BUDOY. Just a brief background, my friend Budoy, is sometimes like the real Budoy, just less adorable and has more… erm… girth? Anywho, he’s sort of “special” in his own very special way. Here’s the gist of the convo:

Telephone conversation

Budoy: Hello?

Me: Hello?

B: Hello?

(We did this hello? hello? crap twice.)

M: Hello! Ano? Baket?

B: Wala nangangamusta lang.

M: (bitch fit mode) Sige na, ano mag-kwento ka na wag na magpapilit.

B: Nangangamusta lang eto naman.

M: Asus. Wala akong ikukwento.

B: Bakit lagi ka na lang galit pag tatawag ako jan?

M: Eh wrong timing ka eh. Masama pakiramdam ko. Badtrip ako magka-galit kami ni Kuya. Pinapagalitan nya ko. Nauumay ako sa mga pangyayari sa buhay ko. Di na tuloy yung lakad natin nila ****. Blah blah blah.

B: Blah blah blah (di ko na naintindihan. I tend to tune out things i don’t want to hear. haha)

then he starts to lecture me…

B: Bakit kasi lagi kang sad saka ang negative mo?

M: Ano bang alam mo sakin? Sige nga 7 years of friendship, ano?

B: Strong ka.

M: (EMO mode) yun akala nyo.

B: Ano ba problema mo?

M: Kasi I don’t have anybody to talk to pag ako naman yung bwisit sa mundo. Saka wow i’m sad and negative? coming from you, Mr. Positivity?! Ang hirap kasi sa inyo, you think you know me pero you don’t know anything blah blah blah. (i’m such a drama queen, i know, that’s why i think i’ll be a good script writer, daming emote! haha)

B: (cutting me off) eh kasi you don’t let us.


So that was that. I’m a bitch. After that, I realized that he might be right (he’s SELDOM right, and i’m SELDOM wrong or so i think. whatever. :P) Ok fine. He’s right. I remember, one of my close friends telling me, that she’s happy now that i’m sharing stuff, you know, feelings. And i thought: HUH? then i realized: I’m not used to be the one making kwento. I was always the listening ear. I didn’t have relationships so I was the forever available person and go to person for venting and problem solving. At one point, I felt like i was living their lives. I was with them through every failed subject, break-up, and all sorts of young adolescent problem there ever was. Β I was and still am (i’d like to think so) the pillar of strength in my circle of friends. Sometimes, the stress and all the other things get to me and i just break. Not often. But. I am also weak, and emo, and negative, and BLAH. When this happens, I just need to let it out and then i’ll be okay. That’s why I thank my friends who stick around like Budoy and those friends who painstakingly listen to my petty mundane rants. I know i can be difficult at times but you know that’s me on bad day but on a good day i’ll definitely be there for you to pat your back, give you a hug, listen to you, scold (if needed), and even hold your hand or your hair when you projectile vomit for drinking too much (luckily, most of my friends don’t drink much. haha).

By Sunday evening, I wasn’t feeling any better. Was still giving my brother the cold shoulder and was still being a pain in the butt. I told my mom, I didn’t want to go to work. Ever. But that’s just my angsty self talking. Can’t afford to loose my job if I want to go back to school in September. Monday morning came, I was early for work. Wasn’t busy at all but it got me to thinking about things. I thought, I feel like moping and posting all sorts of negative things on my twitter but I realized, who cares for my negative crap? Really? I remember, getting pissed at people posting rants in all caps on their FB stats or Twitter pages. I’d say: Do i look like i care? Really? And that’s exactly what my sane self told my irrational mind when i was about to click on “tweet”. It kind of hit me. I’ll be polluting social networks with my gloomy crap, on a Monday, plus it wouldn’t do me any good. If i post, i’d still be pissed. Doesn’t change a thing. Might actually add to my being pissed. Are you counting how many “pissed” i’ve typed? Haha. Anyways. I thought, though it’s easier to mope around and be mad at the world, it still better to stay positive. Not easier but better. Then i read this quote by my text mate, Winston Churchill:

“Difficulties mastered are opportunities won.”

Not really fit for bad moods but being positive is a difficulty not only for me but to a lot of other people as well. If you happen to “master” your being positive you’ll end up a better, happier person and you have the opportunity to affect others and even inspire. So, however negative i feel, I can re-read this post and remind myself that it’s just a phase and everything’s going to be okay.